I was heading out the door from Tim Horton’s, when I saw her walking across Queen Street. Someone bumped into me, a scared “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” rushed into one ear and out the other. I heard a crash on the ground and thought to myself “Just my blackberry pearl”. My attentions were on the girl walking across the street. Her long legs determined then the three kings on a mission were rapidly pacing. I ran across the street without really paying attention to the honk of cars, a baby crying, and someone screaming “Is he fucking crazy?” I had the same question strolling in my head. What the heck was I doing walking across the street chasing this girl?
Soon as I saw her, I knew her. This overwhelming sense of belonging, came over me. Her eyes, I knew those eyes, and knew that they had captured me before in a timeless place that I couldn’t seem to recall. I knew those eyes like the back of my hands, the golden flecks when she’s excited, her eyes titling on the side when she smiles. I was trying to rack my brain like a stack of blocks, tying to evoke where I saw her before, but nothing conjured up. My hands were shaking and I was nervous as a young pup. I wasn’t sure where the nervousness was coming from; the sweaty palms, short in take of air, since I have never been nervous to talk to the opposite sex before.
jpd
on Mar 4th, 2009
@ 8:13 pm:
This tells a story that I think everyone can relate to. It’s very visual and I like a lot of the extra details that help describe the scene and your state of mind.
I’ve seen some of your other writing though, and I think you are able to tell this story much better! I usually don’t comment on things like punctuation and spelling, but for a longer piece like this it does start to matter. Grammar interrupted the flow of your story and it came across as being rushed and impulsive. It detracted from the picture you were trying to paint, which was a GREAT snapshot of a moment in time.
I think that’s the purpose of a place like Heavenskyy. It’s a place where writers can say whatever is on their minds, and then hear what other people have to say.
JPD
sugar
on Mar 4th, 2009
@ 9:27 pm:
Thank you for the comment… and I do love the open honesty on heaven Skyy.
Point me toward the mistakes and I will sharpen my pen…
jpd
on Mar 5th, 2009
@ 12:01 am:
FYI- my opinions are not necessarily right– or good. I can try to help if you want me to. But now I’m conflicted. I don’t feel very good telling another person how they ought to write. This is just my opinion:
The comma in your first sentence wasn’t needed. You “left Tim Horton’s house and saw her walking across the street.” There was no pause in that sentence, but as a writer we sometimes pause while we are thinking up our next words. We type a comma by mistake. I make this mistake ALL THE TIME. I myself, am a comma, abuser!
“Someone bumped into me, a scared “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!” rushed into one ear and out the other.” I’m not sure why but this sentence was awkward for me to read. I think this is where a couple extra words would have helped the reader to follow what was happening. Please forgive me for doing this:
“A stranger on the street bumped into me then, startled by their own “Oh my gosh!” which ran into one ear and out the other while I stared transfixed by what I saw before me on the crosswalk.”
….Or something like that. Just more detail and clarity was needed in that sentence, I think. As a writer you already KNOW where the story is going next, but as a reader we were still at Tim Horton’s place, just trying to catch up with where you are going next!
“Her long legs determined then (that) the three kings on a mission were rapidly pacing.” I’m not sure what this meant. I even stopped reading the story the first time, to Google Three Kings on a Mission. It may fit with your story, and I thought about the three kings for the rest of the story, to see how it fit. I’m still not sure how it fits.
“Soon as I saw her, I knew her. This overwhelming sense of belonging, came over me.” These are just little grammar issues. It should be “As soon as I saw her…” and the comma doesn’t belong in either sentence. But don’t trust my advice, because I am often wrong about commas!
Sugar, I don’t even want to be doing this tonight. Ignore all of my advice. Write how you write. Sing how you sing. Play nicely and have fun with your life along the way.
Okay?
Ignoring what other people think will make you a happier person in the long run.
Be You.
sugar
on Mar 5th, 2009
@ 10:18 am:
No, thank you. As a writer I look forward to comments like this because it’s the only way you can improve your writing skills. I need to know how others are reading my story and if they are not understanding it then… I have a problem.
I like you because you’re honest. I know I can always count on you to tell the truth. It’s one of the reasons why I decide Heaven Skyy is a good place to start publishing my materials to get feedback before pushing it toward an agent.
Now this short story is a style I have been trying out. I read a bunch of short story by this guy, I forgot what it was called, but the outline and the way it was writing was what brought me in. The figure of speech used in the story and the style was nothing I read before, sort of like Hills like White Elephant by Ernest Hemingway. I actually had to read it three times before getting the story. The writing style is a cross between prose, poetry, and conventional writing. The story was filled with nothing but similes and metaphors that just had you doing your own research. After conducting your research you find that you have a newfound knowledge of something you never consider before like White Elephant are consider an image of swollen breasts and stomach of a pregnant woman.
It helps to know that this type of writing is not for everyone. I put the commas there to make you pause as a reader, because every word is supposed to pull you toward the conclusion in the end. Lol I guess it might get annoying, which is something I have to work toward.
FYI the three kings are the three kings from the Bible…
To be honest I was surprise that I was able to write such a short story because usually once I start writing… there’s no stopping me. I never realize how hard it is to write a short story. I had to cut three sentences into one, the description and details I was hoping for had to be summarize.
jpd
on Mar 6th, 2009
@ 1:24 am:
The answer you gave is the reason I stopped commenting and pushing my own poor advice on you. I haven’t earned a nickle with my own writing, and who knows, maybe your writing is exactly the style that the public has been craving.
I can tell you this: the more you write, the better you will get at your own particular style. That’s always worth pursuing, whether or not you ever sell a single copy of your work. It will make you a better person along the way, because writing forces a person to think about their place in the world. 99% of people cannot do what you have been doing on heavenskyy– expressing themselves.
Keep on!
JPD