Comments on: Tiffany Williams http://www.heavenskyy.com/tiffany-williams/ Read.Write.Publish Thu, 13 May 2010 03:12:22 -0400 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.6 hourly 1 By: WritingSugar http://www.heavenskyy.com/tiffany-williams/comment-page-1/#comment-606 WritingSugar Mon, 22 Mar 2010 23:34:26 +0000 http://www.heavenskyy.com/?p=2099#comment-606 Yeah..now I see what you mean. I would change the wording just a little. Maybe expand on it somehow that it's not too obvious but at the same time, we can understand it was her guilt that made her feel as if she were the killer. This can be insert in the "during her daydream she...."... You can even describe the shooting..in a way like she felt as she was holding the gun, her finger pulling the trigger... Just a thought..but it's up to you. Yeah..now I see what you mean.

I would change the wording just a little. Maybe expand on it somehow that it’s not too obvious but at the same time, we can understand it was her guilt that made her feel as if she were the killer. This can be insert in the “during her daydream she….”…

You can even describe the shooting..in a way like she felt as she was holding the gun, her finger pulling the trigger…

Just a thought..but it’s up to you.

]]> By: McGonz http://www.heavenskyy.com/tiffany-williams/comment-page-1/#comment-605 McGonz Mon, 22 Mar 2010 23:07:53 +0000 http://www.heavenskyy.com/?p=2099#comment-605 Thanks a lot for the encouragement. "That was when she killed Charles" wasn't actually a mistake. It was supposed to be an indication of her guilt. Maybe that's a little confusing. Thanks a lot for the encouragement.

“That was when she killed Charles” wasn’t actually a mistake. It was supposed to be an indication of her guilt. Maybe that’s a little confusing.

]]> By: WritingSugar http://www.heavenskyy.com/tiffany-williams/comment-page-1/#comment-604 WritingSugar Mon, 22 Mar 2010 19:46:49 +0000 http://www.heavenskyy.com/?p=2099#comment-604 I thought this was wonderful story. I like the way it was told. Starting with a little bit of poetry and some sentence and ending with the same, was a nice beginning and closing. There are few mistakes here and there that you might want to revise... like this part... “There are noises from behind, people stupid enough to come down this alley. This is when she kills Charlie.” Is it supposed to be …he kills charlies…? Overall, I enjoyed it. I thought this was wonderful story. I like the way it was told. Starting with a little bit of poetry and some sentence and ending with the same, was a nice beginning and closing.

There are few mistakes here and there that you might want to revise… like this part…

“There are noises from behind, people stupid enough to come down this alley. This is when she kills Charlie.”
Is it supposed to be …he kills charlies…?

Overall, I enjoyed it.

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