Comments on: There’s a Farm up North… http://www.heavenskyy.com/theres-a-farm-up-north/ Read.Write.Publish Thu, 13 May 2010 03:12:22 -0400 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.6 hourly 1 By: sugar http://www.heavenskyy.com/theres-a-farm-up-north/comment-page-1/#comment-377 sugar Mon, 06 Apr 2009 00:19:38 +0000 http://www.heavenskyy.com/?p=1435#comment-377 Okay, so I read the story again and I do see what you mean now. Somehow I think the ‘job test’ and the kitchen scene do not connect. I read it twice and I still cannot make the connection, maybe it’s just me, but I think something is missing in their dialogue or the description about what happened. It could have been a look or feeling that Dave or Callie expresses that somehow connects the two, but I don’t see it. The last part with no apparent reason could been left out, and maybe that would have been the connections where Dave did really kill her pet and she was mad about it, but the ‘for no apparent reason at all’ leaves you even more confusion. If you haven’t told me the story I wouldn’t have gotten it. See how far off I was, because that’s what I got from reading it, especially with the title and all. LOL. This is what happens when you write and read poetry, you read meaning into everything. The style was beautiful but in the end the message just wasn’t clear to me. I think this where we can help each other out, am good at making points and message clear but sucks in grammar or as my husband likes to say “thinking clearly”. Apparently, I have a tendency to think everywhere, my thoughts and storytelling is never consistent, I interrupt myself too much and get distracted easily, which is why when I write a story I have to force myself to think in one tense instead of three. In the end my message or the theme and thesis of my story is clear. Okay, so I read the story again and I do see what you mean now. Somehow I think the ‘job test’ and the kitchen scene do not connect. I read it twice and I still cannot make the connection, maybe it’s just me, but I think something is missing in their dialogue or the description about what happened. It could have been a look or feeling that Dave or Callie expresses that somehow connects the two, but I don’t see it. The last part with no apparent reason could been left out, and maybe that would have been the connections where Dave did really kill her pet and she was mad about it, but the ‘for no apparent reason at all’ leaves you even more confusion.
If you haven’t told me the story I wouldn’t have gotten it. See how far off I was, because that’s what I got from reading it, especially with the title and all. LOL. This is what happens when you write and read poetry, you read meaning into everything.
The style was beautiful but in the end the message just wasn’t clear to me. I think this where we can help each other out, am good at making points and message clear but sucks in grammar or as my husband likes to say “thinking clearly”. Apparently, I have a tendency to think everywhere, my thoughts and storytelling is never consistent, I interrupt myself too much and get distracted easily, which is why when I write a story I have to force myself to think in one tense instead of three. In the end my message or the theme and thesis of my story is clear.

]]> By: jpd http://www.heavenskyy.com/theres-a-farm-up-north/comment-page-1/#comment-376 jpd Sun, 05 Apr 2009 01:27:59 +0000 http://www.heavenskyy.com/?p=1435#comment-376 Okay, here goes. Dave's "job test:" He seems to work at a place where they have the power to make life or death decisions over ordinary peoples. Callie has become a threat- her knowledge of the "point rules of the universe" was meant to imply that she is on the verge of discovering something that Dave's employers do not want known. Dave struggles with the moral dilemmas and fails their test. Sorry Dave. This was just a test of Dave by the employer and in the real scenario they had redirected Callie away from her experiments by killing her pets and distracting her parents and (what I was trying to express) made her life miserable and joyless. She lost all interest in her experiments after that. The kitchen scene: Dave fails his test and is transported to a new life where he apparently works in kitchen, and is mentally ruined. He meets Callie face-to-face-- she is no longer the bright child-genius, she is a teenage waitress (I threw in the pregnant part just for effect) Neither of them really understand how they got there. Dave apologizes for "wasting her dogs" and she throws a handful of knives at his head for no apparent reason at all... Anyways, that was the scene I was trying to paint.... Okay, here goes. Dave’s “job test:” He seems to work at a place where they have the power to make life or death decisions over ordinary peoples. Callie has become a threat- her knowledge of the “point rules of the universe” was meant to imply that she is on the verge of discovering something that Dave’s employers do not want known. Dave struggles with the moral dilemmas and fails their test. Sorry Dave.

This was just a test of Dave by the employer and in the real scenario they had redirected Callie away from her experiments by killing her pets and distracting her parents and (what I was trying to express) made her life miserable and joyless. She lost all interest in her experiments after that.

The kitchen scene: Dave fails his test and is transported to a new life where he apparently works in kitchen, and is mentally ruined. He meets Callie face-to-face– she is no longer the bright child-genius, she is a teenage waitress (I threw in the pregnant part just for effect) Neither of them really understand how they got there. Dave apologizes for “wasting her dogs” and she throws a handful of knives at his head for no apparent reason at all…

Anyways, that was the scene I was trying to paint….

]]> By: jpd http://www.heavenskyy.com/theres-a-farm-up-north/comment-page-1/#comment-368 jpd Wed, 01 Apr 2009 22:22:29 +0000 http://www.heavenskyy.com/?p=1435#comment-368 What's missing is the story, or the "why" of the story. It happens off-the-page. (Like the voices in the shadows at the beginning) I show WHAT happens to Dave but I don't explain how he got to where he is today, or why. In the REAL (on the page) story Callie throws a handful of knives at his head-- for no apparent reason at all. The reason she did this is off the page, or between the lines, although I tried to allude to her story along the way. I'll probably explain myself in a couple days, but for now I'm curious to see what other people may think it meant. If NOBODY gets this piece then it's still a good lesson/example- As a writer WE already know where our stories are going, and the challenge is to drop enough hints so that the reader can follow us without giving up or getting lost along the way. jpd What’s missing is the story, or the “why” of the story. It happens off-the-page. (Like the voices in the shadows at the beginning) I show WHAT happens to Dave but I don’t explain how he got to where he is today, or why. In the REAL (on the page) story Callie throws a handful of knives at his head– for no apparent reason at all. The reason she did this is off the page, or between the lines, although I tried to allude to her story along the way.

I’ll probably explain myself in a couple days, but for now I’m curious to see what other people may think it meant.

If NOBODY gets this piece then it’s still a good lesson/example- As a writer WE already know where our stories are going, and the challenge is to drop enough hints so that the reader can follow us without giving up or getting lost along the way.

jpd

]]> By: sugar http://www.heavenskyy.com/theres-a-farm-up-north/comment-page-1/#comment-367 sugar Wed, 01 Apr 2009 21:39:17 +0000 http://www.heavenskyy.com/?p=1435#comment-367 Nicely done! I am not quite sure what is it but there’s something missing in this piece. Overall I loved it. Okay let’s see if I understand the story…. Callie is pregnant and Dave wants to get rid of the baby? Let me know if not then I have to read it again. Nicely done! I am not quite sure what is it but there’s something missing in this piece. Overall I loved it. Okay let’s see if I understand the story…. Callie is pregnant and Dave wants to get rid of the baby? Let me know if not then I have to read it again.

]]> By: Karamelkandi http://www.heavenskyy.com/theres-a-farm-up-north/comment-page-1/#comment-366 Karamelkandi Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:47:33 +0000 http://www.heavenskyy.com/?p=1435#comment-366 huh...wah..and wow. lol. this is an amazing beatifully constructed. wow is the first thought that came to mind followed by a million to one questions. i am only reading this on my lunch break so i will definately have to read it again. n post a better comment. but this story definstely erupt alot of different emotions from me. which i will comment on after readin this poem again. i m in a hurry. so later. great poem huh…wah..and wow. lol. this is an amazing beatifully constructed. wow is the first thought that came to mind followed by a million to one questions. i am only reading this on my lunch break so i will definately have to read it again. n post a better comment. but this story definstely erupt alot of different emotions from me. which i will comment on after readin this poem again. i m in a hurry. so later. great poem

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