I
The sky has a way of reflecting inner truth
That when it darkens and cries zealous thunder
I know, it knows the emotion boiling inside of me
As I follow Derek to 1985 Walton Street.
I was hoping my endless suspicious would soon
Lean toward a nascent confirmation.
I watched him; blending myself within the nights’ shadows as
Nocturnal animals lurked behind my fathom wrath.
Ten years, nine months, eight hours, and two seconds
I have shared my unconditional time with Derek, only to find
Two months, three days, five hours, and twenty seconds
I have waited to find out Derek’s motives and conspiracy-
The late night phone calls,
The shimmering whispers as I appeared
The secret corner upward lifts of his lips and eyes,
When he thinks I’m not watching him.
I trusted him.
Never questioned him for all times, only to find just one
Lingering answer he gave me once has opened
A can of hungry worms, patiently waiting to feed upon
His fleshly lies covering me like truth.
Trust built a great wall around my heart,
For all his cunning smiles, his chivalrous laugh
Bounced of me back to him, feeding him
Resilience to treat me the way he did.
I heard whispers, I heard telling
But I washed them off like I wash my hands of
My families who have told me Derek was no good.
Derek was good; Derek was best at playing me for a fool.
I followed him since his last phone call.
He told me he’d be working late.
He patched the way for me so smoothly
That I blended with his dirty conscience.
I parked about a block behind him.
The alley screamed with mischief,
While the screeching wind blew my hair,
My hands were dipped into my pocket and I followed.
sugar
on Nov 10th, 2009
@ 12:34 pm:
Just decided to try my test on writing short stories in poetic form(Poetic Prose)…. it looked easy when I read about it but…once I started writing..Oh boy..
Be honest…
what I’m looking for is rather you can see it going somewhere…
Does it leave you guessing…
Do you want more?
Is it telling a story and still keeping the poetic form?
jpd
on Nov 10th, 2009
@ 7:33 pm:
I don’t know enough about “poetic form” to really answer… but has that ever stopped me before??
I think it would feel the same to me if I read this as paragraphs. I’m not sure what is different in the story, because even standard paraphraphs have a rythm and flow, so I guess my question is, what changed when you converted this into a poetic format? Did you add more imagery, or change the pace of telling?
That’s my ignorence asking the question– and is not criticism at all. I like the imagery and the place-setting and the mood-setting and the descriptive ways you tell it. “His fleshy lies covering me like truth” or “my family told me he was no good, but he WAS good…” Those are some nice phrases!
To answer your questions, yes, I think I can see where the story is going and it does leave me guessing what comes next!
sugar
on Nov 10th, 2009
@ 8:17 pm:
The poetic form has no real restrictions like writing a paragraph. Even though you can be free with paragraph but with poetry there’s that abandonees when it comes to proper grammar or places were words belong that sometimes when they are smashed together doesn’t give the same effect.
The lines matter.
The lines always matter in poetry; it gives pauses (like periods) but I think lines gives longer pauses than period does.
The language and literary deceives are freer to roam than they would be in a paragraph. Again, you can’t maintain the same rhythm balance in paragraphs.
The imagery and tones are easier to expose and compose.
Sonya Sones wrote a beautiful young adult book called ‘what my mother doesn’t know’ and it’s written in verses. I remember when I was younger I thought it was wonderful and always wanted to try it. I have forgotten about it until I started writing this story (original in paragraphs) but I was like…there are a lot of things, images, and descriptions I want to use but I don’t want limits.