He no longer holds my hands

At times quietly offering comfort

He no longer listens to my command

Trailing behind me, resolving my torts

 

He no longer walks me home during late nights

No longer bridge himself on the corner of my lips

I can no longer speak of my darkest sights

Blame my raucous behaviours on the eclipse

 

My once precious friend has turned into my foe

Ignoring my pleas and never-ending tears

Laughing giddily and pushing my woe

Leaving me with my shadows and fears

 

He no longer sings me fast to sleep

No longer sweep the mess of my broken heart

No longer taps my shoulder while I endlessly weep

He longer resides in me; we are apart.

I looked around the apartment.

My soul was stuck in a bitter turmoil;

For the place looked exactly like I had pictured.

I stared at Derek.

 

“What are you doing here?”

He asked me. I looked at him and asked

“Shouldn’t that be my question?”

He arched one of his eyebrows.

 

“I want you to know that when you get home,

Package your things and leave.”

He looked surprised at my command,

As if I would allow a cheating man to remain with me.

 

“I will send you the divorce papers,

And you can have whatever you want,

I just want the apartment and left alone.”

I watched him take a seat.

 

“Sit down!”

He said it softly but I heard the clenching threat and demand

In his voice and the ticks in his cheeks.

I sat down.

 

“You have known me for ten yes and

Now you decide you want to divorce

Me without a reason.”

I thought he was joking until I looked at his face.

 

“Derek, I saw you!”

I said quietly for I wasn’t sure what was happening anymore.

Why would he try to deny something I saw?

He got up and slammed his fist into the kitchen wall.

 

“You ungrateful little bitch!”

I was bit thrown back for this was the first

Time I ever heard Derek curse.

My heart crack wider than the wall.

 

“I did all of this for you and this is what I get?”

He wasn’t done.

“I worked late each night; came here to work;

So I can buy you this fucking apartment!”

 

He wasn’t done.

“This is how you repay me,

You untruthful little bitch”

I stood up.

 

“Sit down!”

He pushed me back on the couch.

The cushions were the only comfort I got.

“All of this for you and you accuse me of cheating.”

 

“I saw you!”

I cried out.

“I saw you smiling, laughing, she had a ring on.

And this is my apartment! I wanted it first!”

 

I knew I sounded like a baby.

I could have slept with my shame

For a lifetime never even come

Close to the regret living inside of me.

 

“You saw me! Yes you saw me doing all

those things. Where is your trust that you

promise me long ago? Have I ever giving you

any reasons to doubt me?”

 

I didn’t say a word. I didn’t have an answer

That wouldn’t sound childish;

That wouldn’t sound ignorant;

That wouldn’t sound insignificant.

 

Shame was boiling inside of me

For I knew that the trust that was built

Over ten years was crumbling to pieces

When I first doubted Derek.

 

Two months, three days, five hours, and twenty seconds-

I watched Derek gave one white lie.

At the time if I had talked to him

I would have known the reasons.

 

Instead I found myself brooding

About the reasons behind the lie

Instead of the lie he actually told.

I cried.

 

“I want you to go home, pack your stuff

And leave. You can stay here, since

It’s the apartment you wanted-

I will send for you when I am ready.”

 

I didn’t beg.

I got up and walked out the door.

I was please for what was left of the night

Covered my agony and disgrace.

 

Once again, I blended myself with the night

Hoping to fight some of my shame off.

I tried walking backward.

Maybe reencounter the stolen love and peace we used to have.

 

What was done was done.

I didn’t know if Derek would forgive me

For the thin line of trust

Between Derek and I has been breached.

 

Where did we move on from all things broken?

When he will doubt whatever I say

And I will doubt rather he believed what I said.

The future will not show itself to me.

 

I heard the truth.

I heard the wind.

I heard the darkness.

If only I hadn’t read between the lines.

 

I have never known this feeling-
This Restlessness and fearfulness;
All turning my stomach like rotten eggs
Its slothful clenching turns my inside out

My glorious reflection tumbles and crumbles
A lonesome river’s surface asunder
When you looked away; the turn of your head
Shifted the Earth’s axis

An imbalance of stored emotions quiver
The greatest battle my tears have ever shed
Eagerly escaping, dreadful with
Luminous hopes and failed wishes.

As your hand slipped from mine,
I lost a part of me, slowly slipping
Through time, your mercurial nature
Revealing in a soulful gut twisting kiss

Your hollow glaze burns into mine
Brighter than the sun’s glaze but still
Falling short in love’s pain. I lost
All when you walked away.

 

When the wind whispers your name

Softly cradling you asleep and feathering your dreams,

Do you lift your head, narrow your eyes, and give a tenacious no;

Or do you answer the glimmering call of the tempestuous wind?

 

You come forth—your hands grasping for the golden mirage,

While all your grotesque dreams lay naked than the deception in Eden.

 Asmodeus is found lurking your simple instincts astray—for  

In his illusory eyes, he reveals the earths’ beauties and treasures.

 

Forsaken figures carelessly watches you; seeking to hold your spirit.

You are befriended by Cerberus; shamelessly laughing while the smell

Of burning flesh lingers and colours your soul a shade darkener than night.

Do you let yourself be pulled into the darken corner by Gorgons?

 

Do you listen to their nebulous plan for mankind destruction and

Throw in your own lurid details of demolition works?

Do you let your heart gleam with mischief, your lips seal with lies?

Do you cover laughter with incestuous creates and nod your head for acceptance?

 

You look inside your mistreated self to find the little bit of goodness stored

 In the corner of your blacken soul.  Do you fight with the little you have?

Or run with what’s left of your heart that has once been yanked and cracked with bare hands.

Somewhere in the stillness of the morning, the tears of Hades are heard.

 

You crawl and creep with flaking tears encircling you to find this whimpering.

Your fleeting hopes break into smithereens while you try to collect its pieces;

Without giving up what little you still posses within this scattered fragment

Of broken dreams. You stand armed, barely holding yourself upright.

 

You fight and you lose. But you still fight. You realize it is not about the ending

When you’re carried into Zeus’ realm; and imps are eating your flesh and laughing your fears.

 You see the light while your head tumbles under Apollo’s seat.

You smile.  For secretly within you, you have won the battle.

My days are cold and the nights colder.
Inside of me there’s a hatred that warms me,
A blanket at night keeping me alive
Children walking barefooted are heavy thuds
Sinking in my heart, lost and forgotten, Atlantis—
I still believe; hope still shimmers in distance.

A serrated knife cutting bones, a screwdriver
Stuck between a fence-assembling machine
Are just sounds in tune with my broken heart.
But thoughts of your smiles bring me back
Closer to salvation; a fading light, I can almost reach.

If I could smile I would, but I think I forgotten:
To spread my lips and shine my eyes. Darkness
Surrounds my cornea; Somehow it cannot interpret
The light shinning, for there is evil at every
Corner I turn-a child is found dead.

It’s such a sadistic state where I reside. Its partner
Pretends to rove the face of earth for justice,
When it shadows injustice and vice tighter than
A Boa constrictor suffocating its prey.
Your eyes give hope for freedom, so close yet so far.

A French bread molded with imps crawling on my skin
While I battle the line between reality and fantasy
Is just the daily dose of my unruliness amnesia.
Sometimes I wish for eternal sleep- an ending
Of all things; endless memories finally at rest.

But when I think of you-I am at start.
You are my sanity, for insanity is closer and
Sweeter than heaven. For in this world that
I am clouded in, unresolved issue and decision left
Astray brews a storm bigger than 1935 hurricane.

At times, I don’t know where you are but I know you.
And those memories, endless memories that they are,
Keep me dreaming and silently praying. When it gets so cold
At night, thoughts of you warm me like an electric blanket.
For a moment, my eyes smile but deep inside I sill weep.