When I wander the earth
I saw you holding out your hands,
Like a pack of feral beasts-
I capture your essence.
When I wander the earth
I fall in love without command,
My heart—stolen by the feast.
The quintessence of your soul,
When I wander the earth
Is a lone star, gently calling
How could I ever be without peace?
When I am acquiesce to your love.
OLD
I saw you holding out your hands,
Like a pack of feral beasts-
I capture your essence.
When I wander the earth
I fell in love without command,
My heart, stolen near a feast.
The evanescence of my soul
When I wander the earth
Is a lone star, gently calling
How could I ever be without peace?
When I am acquiescence with love.
Wow I really like this, and because I like it so much I hope you don’t me talking about it!
The first stanza is MINT! Like a pack of feral beasts! Is it the hands or the way you capture the essence? Or both? The 1st and 3rd lines both fit– That stanza is awesome!
The 2nd stanza– I suggest playing around with your tense or POV, and I also don’t understand how you are “near” a feast. The edited your tense, but you also need to make it work for YOUR story:
“When I wander the earth”
“I fall in love without command”
“My heart lost to the feast / to it’s feast”
The 3rd stanza: “Evernescence” is a band, not a word, is it? Did you mean “effervescence?” And “gently” is over-used and there may also be a more accurate word and also need to macth the tense:
“The effervescence of my soul”
“When I wander the earth”
“Is my lone star calling”
Don’t get me wrong- I LOVED this poem as you originally wrote it, and am just suggesting changes to the tense! This poem is full of rich and powerful stuff! Here is how my changes would look:
******
I saw you holding out your hands,
Like a pack of feral beasts-
I capture your essence
When I wander the earth
I fall in love without command
My heart lost to the feast
The effervescence of my soul
Asw I wander the earth
Is my lone star calling
How could I ever be without peace
When acquiescing to love
*****
I made a couple minor edits, but I think the only major change was the tense and POV– I kept all of your original words!
The original poem drew me in and was compelling. I hope you don’t mind an online friend sharing his opinion.
Your original poem ROCKED!
You repeated “When I wander the Earth” twice– on purpose. I missed that in my reply, so fix the tense in the 3rd stanza:
“Is my lone star calling”
I’ll also add one more suggestion to the 1st stanza- Instead of “capturing your essence” maybe you “feel” or “glimpse” the essence?
You get to pick the word you want to use, I’m just having fun and playing nicely with an AWESOME poem!
When I wander the earth
It is my lone star calling
It’s the way I capture the essence, hence why the commas in the first stanza and the dash indicates that I am referring to the essence.
Near a feast is correct, hence the stolen part…. a feast is a rich or abundant meal, so because my heart was stolen I wasn’t at the feast, but close to the feast. Changing to “My heart lost to the feast / to it’s feast” would change the meaning I am trying to portray. There’s a reason why it was writing that way.
Sorry that was a misspelled; I meant quintessence, lol that’s not even close to the word
I have written.
Gently is used only once in the poem, so not sure how it is overused. I chose that word for the easy effect and tone it implies. Yes, I could have chosen other words, but gently (simple and to the point) was what I wanted compare to the lone star (lonely).
I like what you have done, but after reading doesn’t really give me what I was going for…and in the end after revising if the message you were hoping for doesn’t come out then it’s not good enough.
I liked capture because a feral beast would not ‘feel’ or ‘glimpse’ it would grab, arrest, conquer, a beast is not gentle that would be silly to have something feral ‘feel’ when the point I am trying to make is strong. Also why I have chosen ‘my heart was stolen’ it was never giving freely for love, in the end we do not have a choice with who we fall in love with, but what we do with that choice.
I do like the ‘fall’ instead of fell better…
Thanks for the comments…because it made me realize that I could change certain things to get my point across….
I will be back with the ended version!
Thank you for tolerating me
You don’t have to change anything, because the original was awesome! Please don’t think otherwise!
I loved the 1st stanza because it reads many different ways to me… but still works each way I read it!
How I read it- someone holds out their hands, and they appear to you as if they are a pack of fearal beasts. You capture these feral hands of a stranger.
Another way- someone holds our their hands, and you, like a pack of feral beasts, capture them.
The way you meant it seems correct because using a comma is the same as saying the word “and,” which would have helped me to understand your point of view. My grammer is awful, so I often miss stuff like that. I see what you mean now. Your way was better.
“My heart, stolen near a feast”
“My heart stolen, near a feast”
“My heart stolen, denied a feast”?
I’m still not sure how you itended this– so do what works for you!
I hope you don’t mind my input. It is not criticism at all, it’s just talk about writing.
That’s the beauty of heavenskyy
Nope I agree..I am thankful for the comment because it made me improve my poem, not only that but it causes a need to improve one’s writings. I want to make sure that the message I want to say is being said…
I liked the edited version much better now.
I love it Sugar, and it flows nicely. Do you mind one more little-bitty piece of input from me? May I, please? With your permission?
There is still a tense problem with your last line: “When I am acquiesce with your love.”
The Heavenskyy spell checker doesn’t list all the tenses that are available:
I sometimes acquiesce
I am acquiescing right now
I have acquiesced in the past
It’s not my favorite word but if you want to use it for this (awesome) poem, then just fix the tense and you will be done!
Sugar- I gotta take a minute to say how impressed I am with your writing. If I understand correctly, I believe you immigrated to Canada and English is your second language along the way. I am humbled when I hear stuff like that. I am barely fluent in my own language.
I loved your poem, in any tense, and look forward to your next words!
How cool is Heavenskyy.com? What a GREAT site!
Changed it to acquiesced to love…its usaully used with ‘in’ or ‘to’.. thankz for pointing that out.
LOL it rhymes!
English is actually my third language and I lived in the state before coming in to Canada..grade 4th! I should be better considering that ESL student always know best about verb, tense, and etc..they teach it to you like its the only thing you’ll ever know… Wished I payed more attention than talking lol…