When you meet someone for the first time…Think about it, what do u feel? What do u think? What do you say? I am sure for most the answer would be “it depends on the situation” . It may well do but at the same time, the easiness to which the reaction supposedly depends on the situation really projects our insecurities. Why do we spend most of our time thinking about what others are thinking about us? Why don’t we ever realize that other people are busy thinking about what we are thinking about them? Why does the situation dictate how we are going to react to a stranger?

I am sure you are not reading my article because you are so eager to answer annoying philosophical questions. Therefore, I will give you my theory and maybe you can prove, disprove, or otherwise just leave it alone.

My theory is that we are so insecure because we live in an age where instincts have been reduced to “vibes.” I am sure when Homo habilis was still kicking, he did not have the word “vibes” in his dictionary. Hell, he did not even have a language to explain his reactions to the occasional stone ager he came across. He just knew by instinct whether the newest acquaintance was friend or foe, I mean back then I don’t think there were fake friends..or as we call them nowadays, backstabbing bastards.

Why am I going back so far? I should just talk about our brothers and sisters in the wild. The king lion, the venomous (apparently conniving) snake and the amazing insects. They live through instinct ( although that’s what they probably say about human beings) They know when to stop and when to run without wondering if they are making a mistake because they trust their instinct.

Human beings are crippled by the second thought, which I like referring to as “Doubting Thy Inborn Instinct”-DTII (I know. It will never catch on). We are constantly battling our inner intuition commonly referred to as gut feeling. We never know when the feeling is right or when its subject to our own irrational fears.

Our collective instinct is ultimately compromised that way. And therefore, don’t wonder why the guy sitting next to you on the bus did not answer you when you commented about the weather. You started a battle inside the poor guy when you turned to him with a smile. He is wondering if he should just agree with you about the nice spring weather and then go back to his iPod or psp, or whether he should pre-empt an annoying conversation with an overfriendly passenger for the rest of the journey by pretending he did not hear you.

As we grow older, the overwhelming internal battle intensifies and we find ourselves so isolated, as we no longer are able to make simple acquaintances. We look for a motive behind every move and the deceit behind every smile. Many times, we may have missed on rare chances to make great long-term relationships, but also at times, we could have saved ourselves from unbearable grief. And just as our fellow animals in the wild, we are not always right and we may live to regret the best of chances we missed, but so far, we have managed to keep our heads on our necks and I guess that is the ultimate triumph. Don’t you think?…

He no longer holds my hands

At times quietly offering comfort

He no longer listens to my command

Trailing behind me, resolving my torts

He no longer walks me home during late nights

No longer bridge himself on the corner of my lips

I can no longer speak of my darkest sights

Blame my raucous behaviours on the eclipse

My once precious friend has turned into my foe

Ignoring my pleas and never-ending tears

Laughing giddily and pushing my woe

Leaving me with my shadows and fears

He no longer sings me fast to sleep

No longer sweep the mess of my broken heart

No longer taps my shoulder while I endlessly weep

He longer resides in me; we are apart.

I am tired of scientific findings.  Every now and then theres some ominous danger lurking behind something I enjoy doing and then afew months or even years later they will tell me, “oh never mind thats not really harmful” I mean wtf? They will also tell you that certain things are of great benefit to your health and general well being so I spend my precious time trying these noble ideas and then 5 years later they tell me, “oh, according to recent findings, jogging everyday is detrimental to your knees..” Crap! How will I reclaim those wasted years being careful to avoid something I actually enjoyed or reluctantly practising a behaviour I detested in order to stay fresh? . I am tempted not to listen to them but then again you do not know when they might be right. Granted some things like smoking there’s no doubt that all those carcinogens could cause fatal illnesses but when you tell me that my cellphone will cause cancer of the brain and then later you tell me that theres no actual evidence of that, you are just pissing me off. I am not against science or research with a goal to try and cure some of these killer diseases, I just wonder if the money spent studying the benefits of eating fish might be better spent looking of a HIV vaccine.  Speaking of fish, turns out that eating fish doesn’t really help in better brain development. Shocking!  Scientists have recently ‘discovered’ that there’s no extra benefits gained from an intensive fish diet. Why the hell did they make me annoy my roommates and workmates with that irritating pungent and smelly fish for all those years? I remember back in college, my dorm room stank of omena (a small 2-inch long fish found in Lake Victoria in Western Kenya). My 24/7 quest to be smarter by combining studies with a relentless omena eating habit, almost made me an outcast. And then I read in the paper yesterday that fish doesn’t really improve brain development, are you kidding me?  The feeling I equate to that is the disappointment and anger I felt when I slowly discovered that the religious upbringing I went through was based on myth and unproven facts. Theres so many things I could have tried and enjoyed if i didn’t have the fear that God is watching. I am still trying to catch up on some things just to revenge on those days I had to live a pure life so I can be the Papa’s good boy,but thats a story for another day. I have henceforth decided that if something makes my life better in my own “unlearned” judgement, then I will do it with the zest of a kid who has just learnt how to walk. Bring on those mashed potatoes with a roasted fat goat and afew beers to boot. Let’s enjoy this ride because after all we are all heading to the same place, aren’t we?

If you think of the word lost,it could have lots of meanings. One could be lost in their thoughts, sense of direction, reality,  and all sorts of loss of bearing. However the being lost from yourself could be the greatest of all losses. Because it doesn’t matter who you are but who you believe yourself to be. You could be the smartest person in the world but if you think you are an imbecile,then thats exactly what you are. The mind is the strongest most guiding factor in who we ultimately become. To be a master of your own destiny requires a strong mind, one that never for a moment lets the circumstances change how you think about yourself. I for example am not the smartest person in the world but I know for sure that if you ask me how I got here and why I am typing this at  3 am in the morning, I would tell you that I have control of my mind, but do I? Well,you might say its debatable if you know me or you are not familiar with me enough to decide, but for me I KNOW I do. I realise that the grandiosity of that statement might be a turn off for some but its just the plain truth. I can eat shit out of a toilet and not even heave and at the same moment I have this believe in my head that I can’t let a snake in my sight…it’s all in the mind and i know if i was to fall in a ditch full of snakes, I would still come out alive. What am I saying here? I am simply stating  that to be who you wanna be is a very conflicting ideal,because you can’t always be who you are but also u can’t lose yourself otherwise you will never recognise who you were to begin with. All you can do is try is to be you, and hope others recognise it as not an overblown ego but an expression of individuality that makes us all unique. This world has got lots of distractions that make us stray from the real persons that we were born to be. We have become ‘actors’ in a movie that the director never says cut and we end up overplaying our roles and therefore losing ourselves in those roles. If you doubt that you are an actor in the movie of life then listen to yourself the next time you talk to your boss or your parent or your spouse. That’s not you. And thats OK because thats what life has taught us and you gotta do what you gotta do to stay in the game. However when you are alone sitting in the dark or on a sleepless night who are you to yourself? Are you lost to yourself?

Chugging gently along the frozen tracks

The steady rhythm of the electric engine is like a lullaby

Slowly and irresistibly drawing me to a half-slumber

My eyelids can’t stay open and only peer open at every stop when the                                                     doorbell chimes

My brain is getting clouded by the illusion of a perfect resting place

Only the occasional whiff of foul-smelling recycled air serves to poke holes in                                           this bubble

A reminder that the journey home is far from done…